Trinity on Navigating Anxiety
Name: Trinity
How does anxiety typically show up for you, and have you identified any specific triggers that make it worse?
For me, anxiety really shows up most often in my speech, and as pain in my chest. I have struggled with social anxiety since I was really young. I know that I am not comfortable when I’m not able to speak without tripping up on words, or if I can’t seem to bring myself to raise the volume that I am speaking in. One of the things that I have been more mindful about recently is keeping my voice strong no matter what. To not feel intimidated by others and to recognize that what I am saying is worthy of being heard.
Is this something you’ve always struggled with, or did it begin at a specific point in your life?
Anxiety has been a challenge for me for a while. Growing up I was bullied, which isn’t necessarily a unique experience, but for me it really affected how I carried myself for years. I am pretty tall and I would shrink myself, people would talk to me and I would try to say as little as possible. I would tell a joke and when the people around me laughed I would start to panic because I wasn’t sure if they were laughing at me or with me. It took me a really long time to regain my voice.
When anxiety feels overwhelming, how do you ground yourself or find moments of calm?
I think that for me it was all about my mindset and how I see social situations. I had to build my confidence from within, and I needed to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone, to create a new narrative in my mind. I knew that I wanted more friendships, I knew that I had a fun personality, but I had to figure out how to get past the voice in my head to be able to enjoy them fully. I had to recognize that people did not have the intention of critiquing me in the way that people had before. I would go out by myself, I guess that it was a kind of exposure therapy, and force myself to get to know new people. I realized that every time I stepped out of the house I had the ability to start over as a new person. I learned how to not be so internal, and how to not think about myself so much when I am interacting with others. My calm comes from knowing my own strength, knowing that I’m capable, thinking about what I have accomplished for myself before. I am proud to be at a point where nobody can change how I feel about myself.
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How do you differentiate between what’s worth worrying about and what’s just anxiety talking?
There have been times where I have been at castings and not been able to get through my anxiety. Where I’ve had interactions with people, and I know that I didn’t show up as my best self. I sometimes use my interactions with people as a measure for how I am feeling within myself. Having anxiety is such an internal process. It’s important to try not to focus so much on how you’re perceived and to try to spend more of your energy simply having a good time with the people around you. If an interaction doesn’t go the way that I would want, I try to just let it roll off of me, to not think about it so much but also know how to take accountability. Sometimes when you’re feeling anxious in your mind and you make a mistake it can kind of send you into a spiral. I think that learning how to calm yourself in the moment and start anew when you are nervous is a very valuable skill. I am definitely still working on not being anxious when I am in a situation that I care deeply about.
Do you feel like working in the modeling industry adds a level of anxiety due to the pressures associated with it?
As someone who had been bullied you can imagine that it took me a really long time to be comfortable walking in front of people and being in front of the camera. I would show up to shoots when I was younger and wonder why people felt that I was worthy of having my picture taken. Now I know that I am no better than anyone else and that nobody is inherently better than me. Modeling allows for me to be able to look at myself more objectively. Knowing how to show up as a model through the lens of an artist is the only thing that is important. The difference between me and another person is how willing you are to work hard (mostly to be in the right places so that you can be seen) and the ability to complete the vision of the project. I think that in modeling the standards that we hold ourselves to are not so different than the standards that we are held to regularly as black people, and as women. The feeling of perfectionism is not any more or less than that.
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Has social media ever had an impact on your anxiety, either good or bad?
Surprisingly, I think social media has had a positive impact on my anxiety. Being someone that was so shy, utilizing social media as a tool to build community with other people in fashion and photographers has been essential. I think that it has been incredibly helpful that I have been able to build connections with people, and allow them to be familiar with different aspects of my life from afar. I feel that it provides more context about who I am when they see me in person. It allows for me to express myself in a multidimensional way. I don’t get anxious about posting (when maybe I probably should LOL). I think that on the flip side sometimes people that have only seen my posts on social media will expect me to show up a certain way in person and it’s very interesting. When I’m out and about I usually am dressed very simple, I’ve had a few people be a little disappointed by the dissonance. I am both people.
What role does your support system (family, friends, or community) play in helping you navigate anxiety?
My family has always been extremely supportive, I am the oldest daughter and granddaughter so they have always made me feel special. Whenever I am feeling anxious about something or feel that things are out of control, the person that I first turn to is my father. He's a leo and could practically be a motivational speaker, he helps me keep everything in perspective. My closest friends back in Texas help me a lot through this process as well. My best friend from high school has seen me through it all. A couple of years ago when I started to get into the fashion scene where I'm from, my best friend and I went to a party and I was feeling incredibly anxious. When we left she told me that I should've spoken more and reminded me of how capable I was. Building more connections with people is one of my primary goals for this year. If you had seen me a couple of years ago versus now it's like night and day. I aim to truly connect with people instead of shying away. I know that we're all human no matter how hard some people act, and I'm not afraid to be perceived.
What advice would you give to someone struggling with this?
Getting through social anxiety takes time, you have to be willing to see the best in people and trust that they can see the best in you. I’d tell anyone struggling to focus on building their own sense of self worth and to be brave enough to let themselves be seen. Anxiety often leads to the urge to self-sabotage as a way to escape uncomfortable situations. But it takes true strength to stay composed and face what you’re afraid of...to see that most situations are not the same and also how to recognize when you’re in a familiar pattern when dealing with the people around you. Anyone that has social anxiety knows that this process is tiring and it can feel embarrassing. You get tired of feeling nervous and making yourself small. Sometimes the perception that others are trying to make you small can cause a feeling of combativeness where there shouldn’t be. Becoming exhausted with this cycle while holding space for yourself is the beginning of freeing yourself from holding yourself back.
If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
Hm I’m not sure. Would I save my younger self from bullying if I had the chance? It’s crazy but I am not sure. I think that coming from a place where I wasn’t able to see value in myself makes me love myself even more and makes me so grateful to be who I am. I would tell myself not to accept other people’s truth as my own. I would tell myself to be more willing to stand up for myself. I would tell myself that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone and that I don't have to earn friendship. To remind myself that I shouldn’t want to be where there is not an environment of kindness. I would let myself know that I am beautiful, that I don’t have to try so hard to fit in. I don’t know, I’ve spent so much time thinking about this. It’s time to move forward.
To follow Trinity’s journey, stay connected with her on Instagram: @trinplr